The Burdens We Carry
by alecsangel
Summary: Alec and Max share their burdens with each other over the course of time.
1. The Loss of a Brother

The Burdens We Carry

by alecsangel

Summary: At the end of Hello/Goodbye, Max tells Alec about Ben.

Disclaimer: Of course, I own nothing. As if a lowly, poor college student would own something like that. *sighs* Also, some of the dialogue belongs to the DA writers.

Author's Note: This was inspired by Scarlet and her awesome standalone, Debt, (if you haven't read it, you're missing out HUGELY) and Infie, who always inspires me to write because she's always writing :). Thanks to all the nuns who encourage me to write.

Author's Note 2: I wrote this basically because I hated Max's explanation about Ben. So, I took matters into my own hands and this is what I came up with. 

If you wish to see the banner that I made for this story (as it is apparently becoming just as important to me as writing the story itself), you can find it at http://www.boomspeed.com/alecsangel/burdens.JPG

Now, on with the story...

Part 1 - The Loss of a Brother

~~! Max's Apartment !~~

Alec looked down at his hands, unsure of how to broach the topic on his mind. He had always been curious about X5-493, but he'd never had anyone to ask the questions that often filled his head. He knew that his request would hurt her because her unit had been much closer than his. Ben was like a brother to her. Deciding that it was now or never, he spoke.

  
  


"Listen, since we're already knee-deep in painful subjects. Tell me about him. About Ben." He looked up to see shock and anguish pass over her face. She didn't nod or do anything to acknowledge that he had spoken; she just started to speak.

  
  


"When we were kids back at Manticore, he always wanted answers for everything. You know? Why we were there, what was outside. So he would make up these fantastic stories to explain things. Somehow it made us feel...loved. Like we weren't all alone. One of our brothers, Jack, had a seizure one night and the janitor gave him a picture of the Virgin Mary, dressed in blue. We didn't know who or what she was, but Ben took the picture and made up a story about her, about the Blue Lady. We couldn't speak of her or anything around the guards or the instructors so we found a way to get onto the roof. We called it the High Place. That's where we praised her, more for Ben's sake than anything else. He said that we had to make her strong so that she could protect us, so we used to take our teeth and place them at the shrine that we had made for her. Ben said that they would make her strong and none of us, not even Zack, questioned him."

  
  


She took a deep breath before continuing. "Then, one night, I had a seizure and, to protect me, we ran and escaped. We all thrown into a world that we didn't understand. Some of us found people to take us in and some of us had to fend for ourselves. Eventually, Ben snapped. I guess there were too many things in this world he didn't have answers for. Too many things that he couldn't just explain away in his mind. He felt like the Blue Lady was losing faith in him and he thought that he knew how to make her love him again. He started killing people and pulling out their teeth to take to the Lady.

  
  


"Finally, he showed up here in Seattle and I knew that I had to stop him. I tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. He had kidnaped a priest and was going to kill him like he had killed the others. He tattooed his bar code on the back of their necks and gave them a weapon and let them loose in the woods. When we were kids, Manticore had given us the task of hunting down a man, a criminal, in the woods. We killed him because he had a tattoo that went against Ben's stories of the Lady. Ben was recreating that exercise every time he killed someone. He loved the thrill of the chase because that's why we were made. To be hunters, killers. That's what he told me. He was doing what we were made to do."

  
  


She was openly sobbing now and Alec had rounded to counter and taken her in his arms. He held her tightly and was about to tell her that she could stop, when she started to speak once more.

  
  


"I caught up with him before he could kill the priest. We fought and I hurt him. I broke his leg. Manticore was closing in on us and I couldn't carry him out fast enough. He asked me to kill him. He didn't want to go back to Manticore. I asked him to tell me about the Good Place from his stories and while he was laying in my arms, I broke his neck. Then I just left his body there for them to take away and I ran. I saved myself." 

  
  


"Max, I'm sorry." Alec didn't know what to say. He hadn't expected that Max had killed Ben. He didn't know what he had expected but it hadn't been this. He continued to hold her in his arms as she continued to sob.

  
  


Several minutes later, she pulled away and wiped the tears away from her face. She gave a half-hearted laugh and turned to the stove to check on their coffee. "I think it's done," she said, holding up the pot to show him that the liquid inside had almost completely evaporated.

  
  


"We didn't need the caffeine anyway." He said softly. "We need some sleep. I'll crash on the sofa." 

  
  


"Alec," she said as he was walking toward her couch. "Thanks for being here. It helped."

  
  


"No, thank you for saving my butt, again." He paused, but decided that he needed to say this now. It was something else that he wondered about and it was important to him to know the answer. "Must be hard, huh? Having me around? Some guy with Ben's face, making you think about things you'd rather forget?"

  
  


"Sometimes." She replied honestly. "It's probably why I'm such a bitch to you so much."

  
  


"Could be. Or it could be that I'm such a pain in the ass sometimes." He smiled at her and she couldn't help but smile back at him.

  
  


"You know, there are so many differences between you and Ben. Everyday I find another one and everyday the fact that you're twins gets further from my mind."

  
  


"That's good to hear." Alec said, truthfully. "We all have things we'd rather forget, Max. Burdens that we carry with us and that are always in the back of our minds. Don't forget that."

  
  


She nodded at him as he lay down on the couch and closed his eyes. His statement made her wonder what kind of burdens Alec carried. She knew that he had been in love and it had ended in tragedy, but how many other things did Alec keep inside himself. She'd have to ask him one day, when the time was right. But now, it was time for sleep. Alec's deep, even breathing told her that he'd already drifted off and she quietly covered him with a blanket. 


	2. The Loss of a Love

The Loss of a Love

by alecsangel

  
  


Summary: On the anniversary of a death, Alec reveals his pain to Max.

  
  


Disclaimer: Obviously, I own nothing. If I did, I would have bought my own tv station and would broadcast nothing my DA and Jensen Ackles 24/7...Kinda sucks that I don't own them, huh?

So...on with the story...

  
  
  
  


~~! Terminal City ~ October 21, 2021 !~~

  
  


Max ran swiftly through the cold, fall rain on her way to Alec's apartment. No one had seen him today and that was weird. The transgenics were currently engaged in peace talks with the government and Alec was always at the command center, in case he was needed. Hell, the old couch that someone had thrown into the corner of headquarters had become his bed over the past few months. 

  
  


She darted inside his apartment building and climbed the stairs to the top floor. Approaching his door, she twisted the knob to find it locked. Now she was getting worried. Alec never locked his door. Dropping to her knees, she had the lock picked and the door open in seconds.

  
  


She stood in the doorway and adjusted her eyes to the darkness inside. Moonlight streamed through the windows and silhouetted Alec's figure leaning against the far wall. He was staring out the window and he gave no indication that he knew she was in the room.

  
  


"Hey, why was the door locked?" Max asked, closing the door behind her and moving toward him.

  
  


"I didn't want company." He replied, his voice low, but her sensitive hearing caught the shakiness of it.

  
  


"Oh," was all she said as she rounded the couch to take a seat on it. Glass crunched under her feet and she looked down to see the remains of what looked like three Scotch bottles and a tumbler. He must have thrown them at the wall to the right of the couch. 

  
  


She looked up and tilted her head in concern. "What's wrong, Alec?"

  
  


"Do you know what today is?" He asked, still not moving, not so much as turning to look at her.

  
  


"October 21."

  
  


"Do you know who's tombstone that's written on?" His voice had turned cold, but she wasn't afraid of him. She stepped closer and he held up a hand to keep her away. She reached out for it as she neared him. 

  
  


He jerked at her touch, but found his body shaking as he tried so hard not to cry as he once again thought of Rachel.

  
  


"Tell me about her." Max whispered, taking his reluctant body into her arms and holding him as he sobbed.

  
  


He shook his head and sank to the floor, taking Max with him. His choked cries were the only sound in the apartment for several minutes. Max held him, stroking his back, as he let out the pain that he'd kept inside for so long.

  
  


When he quieted, she wiped the tears off of his face and met his gaze with love and compassion. They had grown so close since she had told him about Ben and their months in Terminal City had only strengthened their bond. They were now the best of friends, even though they each secretly thought the other was hot. 

  
  


Alec sighed. He knew, in his heart, that he could trust Max with his memories and his feelings about Rachel. It was just hard for him to talk about things that we so personal to him. But Max had told him about Ben and he knew it had been hard for her to talk about her brother. He saw her lips move as she prepared to speak, but he quickly laid a finger against them to stop her. 

  
  


"It started out just like any other mission. I was briefed on the target, Robert Berrisford. Manticore thought that he had information that would be destructive to them and I was sent in to see exactly what kind of information he had. I was given the cover of Simon Lehane, a new piano teacher for Berrisford's daughter, Rachel. She was so beautiful when I first laid eyes on her. She had long brown hair and beautiful eyes. She bounced around all the time, so full of energy and life."

  
  


He shook his head and rubbed his hand across his face. Tears welled up in his eyes again as he turned to stare out the window again. "I got the information that Manticore wanted off of Berrisford's computer and I took it to them. They decided that they needed to send a message to all their suppliers who may have been thinking of acquiring such information. They ordered me to kill Berrisford and Rachel. They knew that he drove her to school in the morning and I was supposed to do it then.

  
  


"But I couldn't. I couldn't kill her. I loved her. I stopped her on her way down the stairs and tried to get her to leave. I told her the truth about why I was there and she ran away from me screaming. There was so much hurt and disgust in her eyes, but I chased after her anyway. When I got to the car, it blew up from the charges I had set under it. I hadn't hit the switch, but as a black SUV pulled down into the driveway, I knew that Manticore had. They had killed her. 

  
  


"They took me back to the base and put me through Psy Ops. They tried to make me forget and they succeeded for a while until we went to the Berrisfords to deliver that package. The memories came back to me slowly, but soon I remembered everything."

  
  


He took a deep, shuddering breath and Max pulled him into a tight embrace. "I'm so sorry, Alec." She said, unsure of what to say, like he had been after she had told him about Ben.

  
  


"What hurts the most," He said, pulling back from her, "is that she didn't love Alec or even 494. She loved Simon Lehane and she never knew the difference." 

  
  


"No, Alec. She did know the difference. You are who you are, no matter what name you use. She knew the real you. Don't ever think that she didn't love you because you went by a different name." Fresh tears made their way down his face and Max could do nothing but hold him.

  
  


Emotionally exhausted, Alec fell asleep a while later. Max gently lowered him to the floor and curled up beside him, intent on staying with him until she knew that he was alright. She hoped that she had helped to lessen his burden, like he had done for her. She wrapped her arms around him, laid her head on his muscled chest, and slipped into a deep sleep, content to be with him.

  
  


~~! The End !~~

  
  


Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who replied! You helped me get motivated enough to write this. And thanks to the nuns in chat, who entertain me every day and offer up plenty of Jensen pics to keep me inspired!

  
  


A/N #2: This is the second part of what will probably be a four to six parter. If you review here, but don't go to NWP, please review and let me know this. I'm considering no longer posting here and I would like to know how many of you do not go to NWP. Thanks :)

  
  
  
  



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